Sex or 61 days till Fenir or Day 3/?? for Spaceship me or 130/365


Here's something that's super exciting for me. I'd managed to 'successfully' turn off my sexuality for a long time that having it back on, all the way is so shocking. It's a 'woah why am I suddenly so interested in things that I previously dismissed as "illogical"'.

Now that it's on alot of things I'm figuring out alot of things. It's so so exciting, who knew there was so much that I was missing out!

Well you're here so you get to be on this journey with me (if you want).

Here's the thing that you miss out when you let porn teach you about sex, you become so focused on watching others have sex via a screen. You're in an voyageur position. My personal experience stopped me from actually exploring myself and just became a way to get alot of feel good chemicals and then have reality crashing on you, which I fending off by beating myself for fucking up. You see that for me I was interested in using porn as a way of escaping reality when reality wasn't ready for me to escape. It wasn't a isolated 'experience' it was a whole mountain with porn being the peak.

Here's how a 'typical' day that I relapsed existed:

1) I was stressed and I didn't properly express or address the stress.
2) I used other pre porn watching techniques (view these as warm up) such as junk food, mindless internet browsing and movies. These I eventually got bored of which lead to
3) Porn
4) Self beating up
5) Start or plant seeds for cycle to resume.

I made the mistake that porn = bad, and since I masturbated obviously masturbation was also bad. That is I was using the logical connection A-> B and B->C and therefore obviously A->C. Where A is masturbation and B is porn and C is bad. However once B is removed I'm faced with a invalid statement A->C. This means that I made a mistake.

So back to the main thing, what you miss out with porn is actually understanding what you're interested in and how you feel about it. Don't expect it to come out right away, it's something that takes time to figure out. For me I thought I was into petplay, orgasm control and alot of other things that were very physical and played out very well via a video platform. So naturally I thought I was a dom and that it was going to be very expensive because 'look at all the toys you need'. However this was what I learned from porn.

Here's what you actually miss out that no one tells you about:

1) Anticipation, aftercare and that things that don't play out well via video can sometimes be the most interesting or sensual things you can imagine.
2) Porn is teaching you nuclear titan 2 missile guidance control whereas sex is like playing soccer.
3) Did I tell you that porn means you miss out on actually building a meaningful connection.

Here's a pro and con and building a real relationship

1) You have someone that you can talk about your day
2) You can support someone
3) You can be cared for
4) You can care for someone else
5) You can have cuddling
6) You can have sex (or bdsm (I'm probably using that wrong, I'm still learning)) if
7) Both of you are in the mood
8) Other condition
9) Other condition 2

The only 'con' about building a real relationship is that you'll have disagrements.

Sure they can manifest in many ways via arguing, fights or other ways.

Now back to my evolution. So a few months ago I took a kink test on (highly suggest you look at it as well) and I got dominant, submissive and switch pretty near the top. In other words pretty close to what I would 'expect' myself. I took it again today after a few months of self exploration, learning and it's alot more closer to what feels right but at the same time I'm still feeling part of me fighting back because it's not 'normal', 'expected' or 'manly'.

So sorry let's take another two detours so you can understand it better.

1) I'm pan sexual which means that I'm interested in you and I can work with whatever you have or don't :P
Even though I knew this from a month or two backs, it still was a struggle because of self hatred I didn't realize I had. I learned early on that "women's body was more appealing than mens (when naked)", so I began to look at a my body critically because obviously isn't as good as a womens'. I also internalized that since I don't want to have sex with a man because that means that I'm somehow a 'horrible and ugly person'. Therefor I can't be gay since I don't want to be 'horrible and ugly person'. Being young (think primary school) the only thing I knew about gay people that gay men had anal sex. Therefore my simple mind saw the solution to be never interested in butt stuff on my own body means that I can't be gay. I mean obviously you can beat that you can beat that our of yourself right?

2) Since society views me as a man (even though I don't view myself as a man),that I must be 'strong', 'assertive' and alot of other bullshit. Therefore I'm not allowed to be submissive because that means that I'm weak and horrible and a failure.

So the newer (and in my opinion) more accurate self reflection is that I'm a:
100% a switch
94% a brat
93% primal (prey)
91% rope bunny
90% primal (hunter)

After thinking about it and alot more self reflection I realized it makes sense. I'm so used to being in control in every other area to such a high point and voluntarily giving up control is a form of control. I prefer having the control wrestled away from me which makes sense as a brat, it's a way to give up control and not be in control while doing it because of the back and forth along with a high degree of uncertainty.

Now that I'm aware of it, it feels right but at the same time it's gonna be a struggle for the short term as I accept this fully because it's not what a sexist part of me expected.

Now back to what I was talking about with what you miss out on in porn that you don't when you do swap porn out for a real person or persons (hey I don't judge):

1) You really learn about yourself (you might find surprising things like I did)
2) You get to really understand and appreciate the other persons body and realize that there is alot more than just the persons genitals and nipples (search for Extragenital matrix)
3) You realize how much touch really matters and discover your own extragenital matrix (if you're willing)
4) Something I'm completely not aware of here


8 week countdown started today!!!!


Doing nothing is really nice. I've been busy between stressing and my own evolution, so having time and doing nothing is really really nice.

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