April 23, 2021•1311 words
The Ferris Wheel
One of the movies that I really like is 'Love Simon'. There's a great quote from there which is "Sometimes I feel like a ferris wheel, one minute I’m top of the world then the next minute I’m rock bottom.".
I really understand this today and bit of yesterday and some of the day before. Do you know how exhausting it is to put on an act? I think I do it as a part a defense mechanism. Isolating my problems from my work and from most people. The hardest part isn't the actual running a fake facade for most people. The hardest part is having a burst of my normal energy and then loosing it. It's so scary to surface and then be dragged under and not know when you'll feel that again, the feeling 'normal'.
Their's this three main type of energy I have:
1) My default currently struggling emotional state
2) My extremely muted struggling emotional self
3) My normal
My extremely muted struggling emotional self is the state that I end up in when I'm with my core friends. It's freeing because I don't get to go back to the surface but rather I'm given an air bubble. It still hurts alot when that air bubble runs out but it's not as much of a pendulum swing as actually surfacing.
Am I horrible for not wanting to see something that only currently comes sometimes? No it's just it's hard and it's draining to be normal and then have this blast proof plexiglass descend over your happiness and your world and have everything tinged with worry, fear and anxiety. You know that it's not normal and that you're brain is out of alignment but since it's your brain that's experiencing it feels real because it is. At a certain point it's just easier to give into your brains reality then keep trying to fight it.
I can tell you it's hard to plan a day and as someone who prides on being extremely efficient it hurts alot. I'm not sure if tomorrow or even a later part of today I'm going to be back to normal or to a 1.
I feel that it's selfish of myself to spend alot of time with my friends when they have other obligations. I don't want to say "Hey, I'm really really struggling and spending time with you allows me to breath again". That feels like I'm emotionally manipulating others when that's the furthest from the truth. I need help and I'm getting help, it doesn't feel like enough sometimes but that's just because of the wound. I open myself up but I don't... I don't know.
I know that I need time to process all of this but at the same time I could easily enjoy spending all my time with other people so I never have to feel 1 again. But I know that I'm going to have to feel a certain about of 1 in order to get back up to my normal amount of 3. I just don't know when it's okay to escape to 2 versus when I'm just actually hurting myself.
Now that I'm evolving, I had almost an hour yesterday where as I was talking to a Cf I had alot of revelations come to light. The biggest was how two dimensional and manipulative person I was. Not in the abusive or even dangerous, more as a way to prevent from getting hurt, but still manipulative.
You see for one reason or another when someone says 'we need to talk' or 'let's have a conversation' or being called by name, I got alot of fear anytime this occurred with someone who wasn't a friend. I didn't realize until yesterday night the full extent.
Now being a good student reduced the 'we need to talk moments'. My life goal was that entirely of minimizing these shocks to my system daily, weekly and even monthly. I knew that I couldn't avoid this in University or in classroom so I flipped the power around by being humorous and asking alot of questions. You see it was like desensitization but at the same time not really. I was counter hijacking this hijacked and atypical internal response that I have.
There were some areas I couldn't employ this counter hijacking response such as with my peers, certain positions of power and my parents. To these I employed several strategies:
Parents - I conformed as much as I could. I became the generic programmer who likes camping. Since programmers (according to stereotypes) remain single and never have any sex or relationships, I began self conditioning myself to dislike or even shun sex so that I wouldn't ever be hurt when this warped fake reality of mine inevitably became realized (because obviously stereotypes are true right?). I did fight back against this stereotype in a bit, I didn't game just so that I could point out to myself that I wasn't actually stereotypical. But it's like lighting a match in a vast cavern, I already managed to succeed in harming myself for along time to come. This removed most of the 'we're concerned' and the 'let me live my life' type of things that are typical of teenagers.
Positions of power - Be a generic person and not too interesting. I often failed at this because I did like showing off my competency as a programmer and finding issues in networks.
Peers - I attempted to provide an air of knowing exactly what I was, what I wanted and what was the future for me so I could keep people at arms length or hopefully further away. I was afraid that if I let people really in, that they would begin to see this two dimensional being that I was and I would have to face the fact that I'd been ignoring a large part of myself for far to long.
Or better yet at arms length + either joking (relationship type 1) or acting as an oracle (relationship type 2). Both of these relationships I was on even footing with the other or I held a slight power (because obviously knowing something in a single field that someone else doesn't makes you better then them right?).
Even though I wanted real friendship and connection I was scared about something I realized just now:
Friendship sin't a full on even power. Sometimes you have power over them and they have power over you. As you invest in each other you need to stop keeping track of how much power you do or don't have relative to the other person in the relationship. You have to learn to be really vulnerable and not stock secrets like cold war ammunitions, a relationship where you assume from the getgo they're going to hurt you, you're going to be able to have that occur just by your mannerisms and how you treat them. You have to learn to step out of the care giver role and step as often as you need into the care receiver role. To trust others to cradle you physically, mentally and emotionally. To accept the offer of a mooring line without feeling guilty. Knowing that they offer it out of pure love and support and don't expect anything back.
That real friendship is where you can see someone at their highest and their lowest. I've managed to do this with some of my cf's but I need to expand it to all of them. I'm worthy of being able to let someone else guide, care and support me.
Today was just doing nothing. I needed to think about how to implement the display and the fact that probably I want to hide alot more information and make the display less cluttered.