I need to get away from myself.
Taking a 'break' at home means that I end up working myself with some intellectual, house work or something that isn't actually restful.

So a camping trip, by bike for 2 days with just food and nothing except a few books (I had to resist bringing my Quantum textbook (I'm serious, I have a Quantum textbook.) so that I could feel 'productive').

All I have to do is make sure that I'm alone with my thoughts, a few 0 thinking books and alot of delicious food. First camping trip I've done in over 16 months.

Tomorrow's entry will be late but I will do it on Sunday.

Re Day 78 or 'I value stability and reliability above speed.'

I'm scared of SN really. Why? Because I've actually seen something that is right now out of my league. My logic and code isn't anywhere near the level of SNs'. This makes me have the same level of excitement with alot of anxiety that I had when I began learning QT.

However the biggest way to address this is to get started.

So one thing that I'm really interested in doing is providing internote linking (concept).

I've figured out a way of doing it that works as follows that maximizes privacy at the same time.

1) Create a new editor that is the plain text editor with linking.
2) When you type sn-link a context menu will pop up and allow you to choose another note to link to (currently will just link to a note not a sub section (since that's alllot more complicated)) the resulting link will be inserted as a link text within the plain text area.
3) Find a way to get SN to switch nicely to linked note or show a :( face when the link no longer exists.

This is HybridLove. Target time 30 days.

Re Lioness Protocol: Currently with Covid going into third wave, I've had to reschedule the test for June 10th for my safety and those of those dear to me and everyone else. Therefore Lioness Protocol I have disabled for now.

Reviewing life goals

First off I want to work at Standard Notes. So why am I working on QT? Because I'm still stuck on the idea that only operating systems are impressive when I've clearly demonstrated and witnessed that the operating system doesn't matter so much as what runs on top see Standard Notes, Veracrypt, IPFS?

So I'm going to focus on higher level.

@Memory Repository Weigh the cost of something with time, not money response

I recently had the idea to spend my free time making something just so I could earn money. It would have been localStorage RAID basically combining a bunch of domains togeather to increase storage capacity along with providing unlimited access to places like amazon S3 and such with a yearly subscription model that if you stopped paying the subscription you'd get the latest version you had when your subscription ended.

However I stopped and thought why? Why am I so focused on making money, when will I be happy enough? Will having more money make me happy? Currently and scientifically (see 80000hours.org) yes up to around 68K. However the time spent on that would risk making me become back to a single dimensional being which I won't do.

So I had a great idea, and I made the choice to not pursue it (but you're more than welcome too) because I thought with my time instead of my money. I would have less time to enjoy myself, I would have less time to workout. It's just not worth it!

@bansalsamarth Tension between desire to enjoy the world and curiosity versus the rage to change it

Similar to the first one, how do I make sure that I actually enjoy? I've spent along time just focusing on trying to create various things to make things better and actually missing out on enjoying what I have now.

I need to first understand several things:

1) None of us are the hero, there really isn't that. Society and the problems have gotten to complex to be solved by one person.
2) Build on top of others and work with others, while it might seem glourious to work alone you'll loose momentum quite quickly (and have a shorter reach most likely)
3) Figure out how much time to actively dedicate to change or whatever and how much time to just actively enjoy yourself. There isn't a wrong answer here.

QT Wayland design

This is immensely frustrating I got nowhere today but I know that I'm just missing simple concepts or a build step or something. However the good news is that I can understand the different things that run ontop of compositors that run below an application and provide (or don't) certain capabilities such as window resizing, moving and such.

I didn't even know but turns out you need a seperate type of overlay on top of a compositor to support multi screens!

Heads up this is going to be a raw dump. There's alot I need to write down and process.

Fucking up a roadtrip

Around a month ago a core friend suggested we take a roadtrip up to meet another core friend that we haven't seen in over a year in person.

I really wanted it and I ended up allowing my desire to see myself and my core friends really happy to cloud my judgement.

I spent two hours today deliberating whether getting covid or exposing others to covid would be worth seeing them. How shitty of a person am I? Obviously I would rather have my friends around for 10 years then just see them now.

Maybe I have gone numb from Covid-19, maybe I am that desperate.

Learning to not push people away

I also pushed away one of my core friends when I was deliberating on deciding to make the hard decision to cancel.

I should have at least consulted them but didn't because I had allowed myself to internalize something that someone very close to me told me.

'Why can't you just get over it?' - I learned that I shouldn't voice the same thing twice. Even if that's all that I'm feeling again and again and again. I need to unlearn that behaviour, I have people that will really support me the whole of me.

Scribbles on

qmake is very difficult to even find

sudo yum groupinstall "C Development Tools and Libraries"
sudo yum install mesa-libGL-devel
//sudo yum install qt-devel qt-config

Have to go thru a fucking UI (should really be a plugable authentication library

export QTLOGIN=username
export QTPASSWORD=SOMETHING
if(CREATEAUTHENVIRONMENT(QTINSTALLER,QTLOGIN,QT_PASSWORD)){
//Here it will tie into the dnf install ... subsystem so that I can do things such as
//qmake and fedora can say 'qmake not installed, install y/n?'
exec(installScript.sh)
}

Took around 45 minutes to get qmake installed

dnf provides '*/bin/qmake'

Then it found a valid version that matched I symlinked that to /usr/bin so that I could execute it using qmake

Qmake generates makefiles so a meta makefile

Learning FreeNode

Time w/ Friends

Sometimes the best times are the unplanned times. I ended up playing Minecraft with two of my core friends.

One is incompetent at directions and the other is quite well.

Both are fun to play with and I enjoyed spending time with them via MC.

Just a .

Thats all.

Evolving and Acceptance

A letter to you

Dear beautiful handsome powerful you,

What a shitty year right? So much has changed, we can't see our friends, we have a global pandemic and we still don't know when it's going to be over. Vaccines may be rolling out in your area but who knows. Even though things have gone bad, you've spent alot of time stuck at home thinking. I don't know what but I can probably guess.

Maybe you've been contemplating a decision you made or didn't from years ago, having a feeling that something is missing or just feel in general exhausted and drained. That's quite alright with whatever you're thinking but don't forget to live now. The past has been gone for awhile, I know it's a comforting place in a way, a place of what if's and then I could have's and I wished and I shouldn't's. The future is easily also loosable in a haze of terror and dread: 'What if I get infected', 'What if he dies', 'What if I never see her again?', 'What if that was the last interaction a I had with them?'. Don't, don't get stuck there, it's a toxic dangerous place with the time that we've both spent in the past and the future.

The "what if's" can become your "I do's" for today, and the "what if's" of tomorrow can become your safety systems against tomorrow's regret today. There's alot that we both regret, there's alot more that we feel like maybe we can't ever make right and there's maybe just maybe a realization that we've been chasing the wrong thing.

The realization that someone that you care about can die from Covid-19, age not withstanding. Suddenly those fights don't seem as important, those disagreements as germane. Maybe you're someone who made a mistake and had your priorities in the wrong order, that makes two of us.

There is one thing that you can always try, it may not work but it's worth a shot. Apologize to yourself (maybe even write a letter to yourself) and apologize to others.

Finally knowing now with more concrete really understanding that you could become infected that you don't have much time possibly left. This isn't the time to hide things or pretend they don't exist. If you have a dream to work someplace, try and get in. If you feel that you've loved something that you've hidden from yourself, rediscover it. If you feel something and you would wakeup on your last day and say 'shit I wish I had done that', do that now.

Love,
someone who really cares

Mercury OS

When I look back at my restarts maybe this is that culmination and again maybe this isn't. Today was spent working on QT. I'm stuck on chapter 3 because I'm having compilation bugs, I'm slowly working my way thru the issues. How hard can it be? Quite hard it turns out but that's alright, this struggle this hitting the same thing until it cracks and I fall thru bloodied and relieved, this is what I live for in learning. This knowing that this lack of progress isn't really a lack of progress, it's a sticky kind of progress. Nothing, nothing and then SOMETHING.

Once I get this done I'll get the first version of the UI for Mercury OS build (it'll be a textbox, icon and more text). Then I'll slowly work on getting it intergrated into XWindows system and add in the correct background, fonts and so forth.

Lioness Protocol

Today was an extremely well done day with a major milestone:

1) I finished the drivers handbook first pass.

I ended up getting around 10 pages of content and diagrams that I'm going to review again soon. I also practiced parallel parking without a car (how?), I pretended I had a car and I mimicked what I would do. I did it three times w/o and it's something that I'm going to need to practice more!

Overall the prevailing fear is that I could fail like I have the last 4 times. However I couldn't like with myself if I didn't make a serious effort this year. If I fail I try again next year until I succeed. This isn't a matter of if I'll succeed but rather how long until I succeed.

"End our failures stronger" - Excerpt from Aviators Dream's of the Deep Album

Response to https://balance.wtf/23790/trees

Well I read about this more than a month ago (I believe). It was how we'd live if we were rooted to one spot instead of being able to move around. I hope you repost this article, you're writing is something that has caused me to have several times reevaluate or revisit and issue I had considered closed. Thank you for showing me that no issue is ever really closed, just resolved for now.

So if I was immobile, I would notice the things in my vicinity alot more, I wouldn't go and go somewhere to seek something out. Touching or traveling would only occur at my roots or my branches it would take time. Just like your blog's name is, I would really discover balance. The bigger I grow the more food I will need now and for the cold times. I would learn to balance to exist on what I can, not to overextend myself.

Being a tree would mean that I would need to work with those around me be it animals, rocks or fungus. I would become aware of the shifting of the ground, how bright or dark it is. How much water, I would need.

I would live each day in terror that I would die if I was surrounded by people who wanted to use my body for their houses. I wonder what it would feel like to be touched, to only give touch when they come to me and not the other way around.

The best I could do is spread my branches and provide a canopy for those that I want to attract. I would have such beautiful stories to tell, the change of the land, the different types of rain and their feelings, the storm where I lost a part of myself, the seedlings I made, the tree's I communicated with, the stumps that I helped keep alive. My life would be different, would I be sadder? I don't think so. Would I be happier, I don't know, I haven't been a tree that I can remeber.

What about Fire? Would I feel the burn, would I be able to feel pain? Would I want to? Would I be able to live from after the fire passes? It depends on what type of tree I am. Would I want to live? Probably but that would be selfish. Death is needed, as I grow old, my canopy may grow to such a width that I blockout others from getting their food. At a certain point I may take over without meaning to or maybe meaning to. The fire is a way to give the next group a chance, to see what would change. You see I'm stuck, I can't move. However the seeds they, they can move.

Tiredness

What if you just focus on tiredness as a feeling instead of as a 'bad' thing?

Enojoy having to do less instead of stressing.

Layers to anything

Some things especially big things have alot of layers to them. You think you've addressed it and you're not wrong, but this is another layer. I wish I could tell you what was wallowing and what wasn't but that simply comes from experience.

Accept that you're going to have hard times, if you've had trauma or are trans or whatever you may have days or weeks were you're just running slightly slower and understand that by processing those things as they come up they prevent catastrophic blowups later on.

Life really is beautiful, but sometimes you're going to have to trust someone else (maybe even a future you) if you don't currently believe you're going to be happy again or whatever. Right now I'm struggling to feel happy and sometimes it feels like I'm never going to get off this constantly processing new shit. I don't think I have depression, I just think that I've exhausted those neurochemical budget for today and tomorrow. However I keep moving forward, I make sure that I interact with my core friends and my family. I make sure that I have safeguards so that I don't isolate myself. Isolation just makes everything worse.

Trust that this will pass, you're strong and you'll get thru it. One day, one hour or one minute at a time. Be gentle.

This is as much of a message to you as it is to me.

Lioness Protocol

I got to the part on parking along with highway entrance and exits and finally some railway crossing stuff.

https://mauder.com/23075/no-better-than-your-dog

I love this post here it is here so I can see if I'm no better than a fictitious dog which only exists within my mind.

If you can start the day without caffeine,
-> YES. I can start my day.
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
-> Always cheerful around others yes. There are a few where I don't have to worry about that and there I don't.
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
-> I've gotten alot better. I still do occasionally but I'm getting better.
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
-> Mmmhm
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
-> Yes, I do.
If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
-> Yeah, I do well.
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
-> Mostly. I get frustrated when I'm criticized on something I wasn't even aware that I was doing because I was supposed to read their mind. Do I resent the person? I don't think I do.
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
-> Hmm I would argue that I run in the opposite direction but will need to think about that really closely at this point no definitive evidence either way.
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
-> Hmm no. I do lie to people but it's often when I'm still figuring things out and I'm not sure or I'm covering for someone. My main type of deception is omission or deliberate misinterpretation. I often make the choice after deliberating would saying X have more harm than benefit and is it something that can be ignored or should it be addressed? If you'd ask me many eons ago, I would have said 'Never lie'. Now I say 'it depends'.
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
-> Yoga mainly
If you can relax without liquor
-> Yup
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
-> Yup
If you can honestly say that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, color, religion, gender preference, or politics, THEN, you have reached the same level of development as your dog.
-> Unfortunately I do and it's something that I work on every day to address. Make sure to say hello, not intervene when I shouldn't in a different case and such. It's honestly quite hard but I'm aware and I'm actively working.

On mourning and unconditional acceptance

In a world were we allow our friends to be partially choosen for us, strive to consider to know the person before the label. Label's are meant to put things in easy to discern categories of 'yay' or 'nay'. They're good in that they allow easy decision making but come at a cost of nuance. Don't let that occur with your relationships. You don't have to agree on everything, you might not even agree on most things, that's alright. If you have something that you enjoy doing with them isn't that reason enough to stick with them? If you hold you're beliefs are firmly as you do you loose nothing by hanging out with them. Who knows maybe you'll sway their mind or their's with you. However at the end of the day enjoy the friendship, being connectedto another person. You're loneliness, sadness and regret won't be solved by Telegram.

https://listed.to/@bx/21991/procrastination

I'll answer the question directly. I find that I'm wasting time on social media and feeling sorry for myself. I have alot of desire but I keep backing off alot whenever I'm in an area that I completely don't feel safe in like QT or learning a completely new language. I've figured out that by partially limiting my grand ideas into small steps that I have a better retention rate. Finally I spend the time looking at other people's successes such as Twokinds webcomic, Standard Notes and Linux distros.

Lioness Protocol

Nothing accomplished today but I gave a solid effort studying. That's alright I'll recover.

On comparing to others

Don't. Doesn't matter if someone else has managed to find their passion at 17 years old or 71 years old. I'm using the wrong word here, it's not you're passion, it's what you can dedicate your life to. After you dedicate that's when you'll develop your passion.

Right now I'm still trying to figure out, I keep thinking I found it except I loose interest. At first I thought it was because I was being weak or lazy or whatever but I loose interest once I realize there's a flaw or an issue or when I've derailed myself and don't want to resume whatever I was doing before because I had time to look over from another point of view.

Lioness Protocol

You know the thing that you've wanted but have had one or another repeated failures? Mine is driving license. This is something that I've managed to fail 4 times. I know alot. It's mostly anxiety.

However I'm giving it another attempt.

I'm practicing as often as I can with two groups of people and reading as much as a can on the topic.

Here's how it works daily:

1) I either driver for 30+ minutes
2) Or I study for 30 minutes

My test is the 3rd of next month.

I've failed 4 times but now I've gotten to the point that my fear of failure is < my desire to have the drivers license.

What do you have that you're afraid to get? What can you do such that your fear of not getting it is less than wanting to get it?

This has been as massively nonproductive productive day. At this point I'm learning true balance for myself. On Sundays I don't plan the day before hand AND I don't work actively on Mercury UI. This is important having a day mentally offline for the most part provides enhanced long term benefits for myself including retaining a highly active mind, ideas and inquisitiveness.

Mercury UI

Today was focused on reading and understanding QT (almost finished chapter 3) along with some of Standard Notes SNJS code and realizing there was alot that I didn't understand. The solution is to read more of the code understand the structure along with directly asking SN on their community slack.

It's nice to be back with C++, I forgot how much raw power and control I have over the hardware, I get this rush of full control of most abstractions. It's a good base to build from for future endeavors.

Name Change

Cubes Endurance, it's something that as the days pass feel more and more right. I've gotten to the point that when someone says my dead name I don't get that sense of 'huh were they talking to me?'. Now when I see that even within a text conversation when I see it I have to not correct, however in person I am relentless in correction. It's something that's a non negotiable for me.

The biggest recent transition is that when people say my dead name I think 'huh nice name...' and not really 'that's my name'. However when I hear 'Cubes' I get usually excited at a small bit. One of my core friends has been really kind and goes out of their way to use it, it feel's nice and helps solidify what I already knew:

This is my name. This is what is me, this is what fits.

Finally the deadname isn't a source of instant mutual friendship or bonding. You know what I'm talking about. Finding someone else in your whatever and trying to see if they are worthwhile to become your friend. It's odd when you think about it that what you define someone as a possible friend is relatedness in name. However as a side benefit, I won't have to worry about this mental short circuit for awhile. I doubt that they're are many Cubes around currently...

Finally I had someone ask to describe my name change why did I choose this name? Was it to escape my parents name or to (insert your reason here).

I've had this name unofficially for more than a year now. I first got that name as I spent 2 Christmas's ago helping someone with Parkinson's. It was a 12 day trip and during that time my new device was arriving at home. I spent those 12 days thinking of one word to describe me. I went thru alot of different words, I'm not sure why I went with one word when previously I had described my systems using an acronym such as SRS0 which stood for Sapphirian Research System 0. The one word that resonated with me as the one word description of who I was Endurance. I endure that's my strongest capability, I was forced to deploy this capability early on in order to get to a point where I no longer need to endure out of necessity but because of want. Maybe it's as part of my reclaiming of my identity that I'm finding the Endurance that I have now is a different type, less forceful and more self caring. I still have Endurance and it's still the one word for now that I feel most comfortable with describing myself with, but who knew there was so many flavours of Enduring and Endurance?

Cubes? Where did that come from? It's actually a corruption of Qubes which is a containered operating system which is a nod to several things in my past that you'll only (likely) find out by meeting me in person and becoming friends with me. It's not something that I want to discuss openly because it's a very vulnerable part of me. Granted I put alot of myself out here most days I post. Part of that I draw from the strength of Soatok and my own enduring strength. Really I do it so that any other future Cube's can figure shit out earlier. Know that it's alright and that really to be aware of their own self deceptions that they've built up.

Female Breasts

This is a small but important one for me. 1) People who physically are male bodies are allowed to walk with their shirt off. Why not the same for people whose body is physically female?

I challenge you to give one valid reason that if we applied to everyone except them wouldn't seem sexist.

1) Because it's erotic. Fuck we're the species that have made it erotic. Why haven't we done the same for male nipples? (Sorry don't consume that stuff anymore so maybe I missed something. Furthermore that's a societies issue and by placing the blame on the women it sounds suspiciously close to 'she was provoking me to do it' type of argument. The idea that people who are interested in women don't have control over their sexual desires the second they see a nipple seems to speak to a greater issue. I'm not talking about the women here...

2) Because females use it to get sexually aroused. So? So do non females', why aren't we banning non women from going bare chested?

3) Insert your bad argument here.

Mercury UI

I got 168 minutes of QT done today.

I learned about Signal's and Slots and got over (most of my anxiety about starting something so out there and different). But it really isn't. The hardest part is just figuring out how to make it a full Desktop system instead of just an application. However that's just going to come with practice and familiarity w/ QT/C++ and Linux developer forums.

Orcawolf secrets

I did one last fix because of a mistake I made. I hadn't (but should of counted) on the fact that people would create content straight from the new UI and NOT migrate. I ended up having to put in some data that wasn't being automatically generated. This was necessary because before Orca attempts to use the data or modify the data, Orca really wants to make sure that it's should and the data it's modifying was designed to be modified by Orca.

Food

Who loves food? Who doesn't have much money overall? Those both describe me, so finding ways to combine food togeather so that:

• Differences in texture
• Complex flavour
• Cheapness
• Healthiness
• Well rounded nutrients
• Not letting food go to waste

Here's how I did that:

1) I took the last of the red curry paste I had and combined it with butter milk, some yeast, eggs and a bit of salt.
2) I used butter and sauted alot of onion and peppers to the point they became soft but still cruncy.
3) I put the egg mixture into the pot and cook it for awhile on a medium heat (with the amount of liquid I had, it never solidified very much)
4) I combined almost 2 cups Quinoa in and let simmer for another 15 minutes.

This provides everything I needed:

1) Variety of textures
2) I had a series of flavours that tasted quite well (or at least not bland or repulsive)
3) Overall it was cheap to make and provided a high cost to value ratio
4) Quite healthy and hit nutritional targets in protein, vegetables, multiple types of fats. Therefore also 5.
6) I used up some Yeast and the rest of the red curry paste. The yeast had no taste and I hope provided some nutritional value.

Privacy

In response to https://transcendingdigital.space/privacy/

Yes privacy is. However while GDPR and such do come closer, it needs to be taken as seriously with as high of a fines for physical things.

Furthermore alot of the internet is still sort of the 'wild west' and there doesn't exist any regulatory body that provides certification for sites and services that match certain qualifications. Furthermore such lack of qualifications doesn't serve as much of a warning as it should.

Just as we don't have musicians design our highways, we shouldn't allow just anyone to design or host digital systems that can be consumed by the general public.

# Professional Cuddler

I love cuddling alot. It would be something that I would consider as a side gig. My time here on earth would best be served in IT and our digital environment.

Unlike other things such as drugs it can't really escalate and the same positions never really diminish in their effectiveness. It's one of those drugs that there seems to be a natural satiation mechanism for (at least for me).

After around 3 hours or so I'm done but I enjoy it so much that I don't want to stop but at the same time I'm exhausted so I don't want to move. But I know moving and stopping cuddling will give me back energy.

However, who doesn't like cuddling? Last I checked I don't believe you can pickup STI's very easily if you're cuddling with your cloths on.

If you're starting out with cuddling here is what I'd suggest:

1) Approach them slowly, first laying head on them and maybe arm around

2) Over time (not within the same time) once they relax enough to want you to do that and instigate the cuddling themselves with you, then progress slowely to the following areas:

3) Have them be the big spoon. Here as the little spoon you can still guide them and easily snuggle up against them, especially if they involuntarily shy away. Plus you're able to better assess their tension, how they feel (breathing, tension and such).

4) Have them be the small spoon. Still but in my experience being the little spoon requires a higher level of trust and is substantially different than big spoon.

5) From there try some other positions:

Some of my favourites:

1) Just facing each other and cuddling (don't know technical name)

2) Big spoon with legs intertwined and arm around.

    -> Having the legs intertwined feel really nice.

    -> Having arm around person, allows you to squeeze them whenever you just need that moment of uber body connection or to display gratification or host of other emotions.

3) Lying on top.

    -> It's nice to really be able to hear their heartbeat and have your hair played with and back rubbed. Really it is. It's comforting because you're entire field of existence is just them, it's hard to be stressing (or even thinking at all) when you're in such a relaxing and soothing position.

Finally:

  Just like anything don't just hop straight up to that one. Usually there are stages, such as doing this one for awhile, then transitioning to another one and so on and so forth.

Awkward stuff:

  If you have male parts yes you might get an erection if you're cuddling even if you're not interested in them that way. That's completely fine and normal. You might even get one just thinking about cuddling with them, again normal. Eventually you might be able to control it (or you might not). Either way it's not a big deal.

Fun stuff:

  It's really a great way not to just bond with whoever or whoevers you in a relationship with but also with your friends (assuming they're comfortable with it).    

# Sufferfur

So there are techfurs which are Furries who are in technology. I thought it would make sense to add another term to help describe a subset of furries:

Sufferfurs.

These are furries who are both furries AND partake in The Sufferfest along with buying into the brainwashing, I mean utter truth of our glorious nation of sufferlandria.