A furry, developer, encryption, operating system, future drag queen and everything else

Curvalicious 2/3 or 142/365


Phase 2 I successfully completed yesterday. 1 more phase and the project is done.

Response to@Branches refueling

I am refueling as well. It's something that I'm providing full priority to. I have a massive post coming in approximately 10 days on 'A treatsie on the future direction of human kind'. I'm expecting easily 10K words or something within that magnitude. I'm working around an hour or so every day to continue writing and editing the document.

Fenir 49 Days left

Today was a slow day where I didn't accomplish much towards Fenir. This is because I'm providing full priority towards refueling. Plus I'm still

Abolitionists or 141/365


Reading the book "The constant struggle for freedom" has made me rethink a fundamental question about society. One that I took as granted until less than 16 hours ago, Prisons.

Why do we have prisons?

The general answer is 'for bad people'.

However prisons (especially in areas such as the United States and elsewhere where prisons are contracted out to private parties) are nothing more than a place to put the 'bad' people without really addressing the root causes. In places where prisons are for profit, it's in those companies interest to ensure a large prison population. In essence it's incarceration as a service (IaaS). This results in a host of more insidious long term issues.

Issues such as:

  • Having a simplistic view on the issue. IE Person is bad, therefore person goes to prison. Instead of person committed X which is considered harmful of Y which is likely the result of Z1, Z2 and Z3. Doing A1, A2 and A3 are going to serve the person and society much better as a whole than prison. In essence dealing with the upshoot, not the root. Prisons thrive on dealing with the shoot and not the roots. Because if the roots were removed, their very existence would be threatened. Institutes take on an almost lifelike quality ans just like us, do not want to die.

  • Allowing private firms to dictate or influence laws that in order to maximize their own profit.

  • Creating class. At the simplest level those who have and have not been to prison.


Nothing to report!!!

Earning to give or 139/365

The Pledge

You can take it as well here:

"I, Cubes Endurance, recognize that I can use part of my income to do a significant amount of good.
Since I can live well enough on a smaller income, I pledge that from now for the rest of my life or until the day I retire, I shall give at least 10% of my income to whichever organizations can most effectively use it to improve the lives of others, now and in the years to come.
I make this pledge freely, openly, and sincerely."

Taking this pledge, even though I was already donating to a single location, has made me more aware and instead of fighting the urge to spend it all or have my mind begin making up reasons for what new fancy thing I must have, I feel extremely grateful for what I do have and have less desire to spend on other things. It's odd, the very act of voluntarily giving money away without knowing or getting something tangible back seems to border on the idea of insanity but it feels great. It's less about what I'm gonna do or have and more about what I can give and that feels quite simply put wonderful.

How does it work?

Simply take the pledge and checkin monthly or bi-weekly or whenever:

It feels good and whatever money you have left over is more like magnetic sand to your magnetic hand than just sand thru fingers.

Refueling or 138/365

In response to @Branches Refueling

I wanted this post to be more poignant and less self centered than it was. However now is a time for being self centered, I'm ruthless and caring. I've been spending alot of my mental energy retaining relationships and closeness, not realizing that by suspending or putting some relationships on hold for the indefinite time will help me get back to my new normal quicker.

I have a finite amount of energy, just like you. We have musts, shoulds and coulds. Musts are things that we can't stop doing such as:

  • Working
  • Paying rent/mortgage
  • Eating

Shoulds are things such as:

  • Self care
  • Social interactions
  • Projects

Coulds are things such as:

  • Whatever isn't a shoulds.

I've been putting too many coulds into shoulds and spread myself across too many social interactions. Now using Star Trek analogy my month has been more like a few Warp 3's followed by almost standstill. I'm still not used to how much energy is going into who I am and from who I was not. What I resolve to do is instead of do Warp 3's when I have those few days of high energy, just keep traveling at impulse power the entire way. Therefore I'm not standing still, it forces me to decipher what I really want to get done this month and what can wait.

So 4 things I want to target getting done each day:

Assuming one is fixed for forward (planning tomorrow along with proper startup and shutdown routines) that leaves 3 items * approximately 20 days which is 60 tasks I can get done. That is alot more than 3 or 4 days of 8 hours of work (which is 32 hours).

What sucks is that I'm not able to work on the password manager as I need to dedicate what little mental energy I have to things such as:

  • Project Fenir
  • Curvalicious

However I'm not abandoning it, I'm just taking a small hiatus. Maybe, just maybe I'll have days where I can program. That would be nice but whatever I'm going thru now is temporary, it can't last forever and as I already said in many posts ago, I endure. I can endure and wait.



Nothing is nice.


Things I will never do or 135/365

Things I will never do

Here are a few things that I will never do that I learned from by experiencing or watching someone close to me experience.

1) Setting a cap on how much you're allowed to process an emotion or come to me to discuss an emotion.

Things don't move fucking linearly, you matter more than the TV show or whatever else I'm doing. Work I can catch up on, relaxation I can catch up on, being there for you when you need me to, that's not something that I can really catch up on. I've been on both side where I need support and I give support. I'm not even sure how one can become frustrated or think really 'why can't you just get over it?', especially when the person is hurting so badly.

If it was a physical wound like a gash or a rupture of a lung we wouldn't say that. I'm going to treat all mental wounds as physical wounds in terms of the amount of care and empathy I provide. We don't say to our old friend 'why don't you just get over the back pain?' so why do I even allow that thought to cross my mind when supporting someone that I love

Things are rarely that simple. I learned something about a CF that I didn't know before and it helped explain somethings. Making sure that I am there when they need help, always there. That's the fastest way to help someone improve. Not worrying about how often you call or are called, believe me from giving or receiving the call it makes a world of difference. I make sure there isn't a time limit of the support session - it's not a call center - sometimes just having a person on the other end of the line and skirting the topic is doing alot more than 'just talking about the issue'.

The issue is like a beautiful mineral vein in a rock. It's touching alot of other issues, the person is doing their best at whatever issue their trying to overcome. What they need is real validation and depending on the person counter vulnerability. Saying 'I can't imagine what you're feeling' doesn't help very much.

What exactly is counter vulnerability? It's showing that you have experienced something similar that makes what they're saying really really understood. It involves sharing something about you but it makes as someone sharing an experience, trauma or hurt trust you alot more and easier to share.

2) Ascribing the idea that if you're 'dumber' that you don't have or experience as much trauma

This is completely not true and I have someone very dear to me whose being punished because of their parents self fulfilling beliefs. First off intelligence is a very tricky concept, it really really is. What makes someone smart? If you put the smartest astrophysicist into a gang filled neighborhood who is now considered smarter? What are the parameters for which one person is 'smarter' than another?

Apply the same thing to Football players (who actually have to memorize alot of plays and code words and must improvise) versus a diplomat? who is smarter?

Now I am saying within a particular domain there are people who know more, have a better innate talent and maybe better neural wiring for that. That doesn't make them automatically smarter than the other person.

However this belief that if you're dumber that trauma doesn't occur as much for you is really messed up. They ended up with a condition that could have been treated but wasn't because 'they were dumb' and 'didn't actually receive any trauma'.

Whomever I care for I won't let their 'intelligence' cause me to treat them differently or outright withhold treatment.

3) Having someone 'prove' something about their identity

No. That's for them to decide, I'm here to just care, support and provide encouragement.

4) Giving conditional love

Imagine that I say to you 'I love you unconditionally' but then when you can't lift 200 LBS, I begin hinting that you should get back to the gym so that you can lift 200 LBS. Does that seem like maybe you're love isn't as unconditional as you were trying to be?

It's one thing about pointing out a problem and proving help, it's another to constantly point out things that hit on the same area of the loved one (appearance, fitness, grades, music...).

This one is harder to describe what not to do because there are really so many ways to send mixed or completely contradictory signals. When someone receives the 'I love you' and the 'I love you but...' signal, the second one takes priority.

Unconditional love is hard, the biggest thing to realize with unconditional love is that they may not want what you want and that can be scary. However know that giving someone unconditional love means that they're that much surer in whatever they're gonna try. Even if you don't like what they're doing, if you oppose them (that is if they let you even try to) and you 'lose' then you either step aside or join them and genuinely try and help them.

Taking opportunities vs overburdening (response to Memoryrepository)

Take less than you think you can take because there are always gonna be unexpected things. It's easier to not have to cram in something you really shouldn't or couldn't do than it is to withdraw or skip.

You're reputation is a big part of who you are, cultivate it. That doesn't mean take no risks, but rather be very pragmatic in where you take risks and where you don't. You don't have to live every area of your life in risk. That doesn't make you any less of a person.


Identity Migration Complete

Wow, I got my digital identity migrated and my old email account is gone, disappeared into the ether.

I thought I would feel proud or at least elated but I just feel at peace. I'm just making the external world reflect how I feel and making my wanted reality the reality that others see.

Response to Achieve Financial Freedom

Definitely suggest YNAB, I'm thinking about gifting that to my dear CF.

Came from vs Am or 133/365

Came from vs Am

It's understandable when one confuses where they came from with who they are. I came from Ukraine but I don't consider myself Ukrainian. That's the same as being born as a male but not viewing myself as a man. Both are valid. Why is this important that I bring up?

Because just because you came, were offered something or had something given doesn't mean you have to accept it. Many years ago I made the decision to let my Ukraine passport lapse, several years before that I wasn't sure. I was afraid that I was making a mistake, that somehow if I didn't have external validation from where I came from I would loose who I was. Now looking back I look back with compassion and understanding, that I don't need documents to prove or remember where I came from. Just because I came from Ukraine doesn't mean I must view myself as Ukrainian.

I would say that I'm a Canadian but I'm not sure that I want to let yet another label define what I should or shouldn't do, especially as I'm working on removing the effects of many labels from myself, my thinking and my every day interactions.

So who am I if I'm not a Canadian and I'm not a Ukrainian? That's an easy answer:

I'm someone who was born in the political zone currently known as Ukraine and have inhabited most of my life in a political zone currently known as Canada. That doesn't make me any less me. Indeed the current political zone that I live in, I'm free to explore who I am without fear of death or persecution and theoretically no discrimination for future jobs.

If I go back to Ukraine, it'll be when Covid is well over and as a someone whose is traveling from Canada to visit Ukraine, not to return home. My home is currently in Canada not Ukraine.

So where are you making possibly the mistake of replacing 'Came from' with 'Am'? Do you want to change that about you? Because you're allowed to.

Response to @capitainetulipe "Is it lack of self love or oppression?"

Hmm you're right, as long as you are stuck on Instagram you won't change the world. As long as I'm watching Star Trek Discovery season 3, I won't change the world...

Or maybe I will. It's about balance, you can't constantly be working and you can't constantly be resting. Maybe you are doing too much Instagram, what are you avoiding and why does Instagram feel so good?

The easiest way to do something is start with 1 minute every day for a month and then just work it up in whatever area you're trying to improve.

Some freedom is more of a struggle within your mind than it is outside, go wear a skirt, maybe start with a dress t-shirt, or go straight to a dress. Know that I'll be either following or helping you blaze that trail towards normallacy.

Wear makeup, wear dresses and for the love of yourself, don't feel guilty. You're allowed to express yourself however you want.

How do you fight back, you start by wearing makeup (even if it's just lipstick or a tiny bit of makeup). If you want to start small, start with your hair, then your eyebrows, then eyeliner and such. You'll transition into someone that you're proud of. Is it easy, no to the power of 2.56, it's not. But you're not alone, ever. To assume that you're alone in whatever you're working for is to assume that you're somehow completely unique and a special little fucking snowflake which you're not. AT. ALL. There are others like you and you can join our ranks and help bring down these walls of oppression, unlocking the cages which people just like you dwell in and most importantly setting an example. Wear a dress if you're a guy or society perceives you as such. Do so without anxiety or asking others of permission. If you need permission from someone you consider more of an authority look at the resources attached below.

I'm doing a slow but important wardrobe change, why don't you join me?


Sadness or 132/365


Right now I'm very sad and spent around 90 minutes awake from 1230-1430 AM.

I'm having issue with accepting part of myself. However this isn't special and I'm not the only one.

I'm gonna be alright, I just need to take time.

Tribalism or 60 days till Fenir or Day 4/?? for Spaceship me or 131/365


What is tribalism? Tribalism is the idea that your group of people and their beliefs are the right one. It's quite useful because it allows us to cooperate, work and play with people we've never seen before. It's what allows international travel, money to work among other things. Now that we're moving into the stage in humanity where a person is part of multiple tribes without even realizing.

Here are some typical tribes you're in:

  • Your country
  • Your families history + family
  • Your friends
  • Other tribes such a sports, sex interests, interests, political and such

These tribes are very powerful for one reason:

You're told what to believe and what to like and dislike.

This is actually necessary in part because if every single person had to mull over everything from fiber to wear to if it's ethical for X to occur, we'd improve at a slower pace or possibly stall entirely. Is stalling a bad thing? I don't know. But for the sake of this post we'll assume it is.

In other words tribalism is good up to a point. Where it fails is when a person just rely on their tribes values and stop thinking in all manners for themselves.

Think for yourself but only up to a certain point, trust the tribe the rest of the way.


SSC do you know what that means? It means Safe, Sane and Consensual. It's a tenet of safe BDSM and sex in general.

I'm like a new pup, where I'm applying that word to everything I can just so that I lay the necessary circuits in my mind.

So what does Safe, Sane and Consensual mean? The last two words are pretty self explanatory but the first one needs to be expanded on.

Safe doesn't just mean intercourse protection or that the person is safe. It also means constant communication along with after care. What is after care? It's making sure the person who participated in the scene is taken care of. Different people need different aftercare.

Safe means making sure the person gets the right after care. Only then are they really safe.


Today I planned the rest of the week in terms of what basic activities I'll need to do in terms of indexing, organizing and items to eject before moving.

Curvalicious Stage 1

One of the things that I really enjoy doing is showing my care by thoughtful small gifts to my special people. I'm like a pleasure dom except for me it extends waaaaay past just sex. I really enjoy caring for and making sure that people are cared for.

So I'm not sure if I've talked about Curvalicious so I'll give you a quick rundown:

Curvalicious is a short term project with three stages.

Stage 1 I completed. Stage 2 and 3 are scheduled for later this month.

So what exactly is Curvalicious? A mental care package targeting one of my core friends.

Stage 1 was a handwritten letter that contained 5 memories that we shared as a reminder of the good times we had and will have in the future, along with chocolate which the love. It's not so much how much but rather the thoughts and the care that went into prepping the package.

Curvalicious has a secondary not totally unexpected side effect, I'm forced to focus on someone else instead of being stuck inside my head. Furthermore I feel really good because I know that it's really helping. The mental care package requires having to know and recall memories that I forgot which enables me to better commit what's important for them and deepen the friendship.

Spaceship me

I'm doing quite well, I lent my Endurance to a cf and the fact that I didn't think twice showed how much I trust them.


I took today off.

Sex or 61 days till Fenir or Day 3/?? for Spaceship me or 130/365


Here's something that's super exciting for me. I'd managed to 'successfully' turn off my sexuality for a long time that having it back on, all the way is so shocking. It's a 'woah why am I suddenly so interested in things that I previously dismissed as "illogical"'.

Now that it's on alot of things I'm figuring out alot of things. It's so so exciting, who knew there was so much that I was missing out!

Well you're here so you get to be on this journey with me (if you want).

Here's the thing that you miss out when you let porn teach you about sex, you become so focused on watching others have sex via a screen. You're in an voyageur position. My personal experience stopped me from actually exploring myself and just became a way to get alot of feel good chemicals and then have reality crashing on you, which I fending off by beating myself for fucking up. You see that for me I was interested in using porn as a way of escaping reality when reality wasn't ready for me to escape. It wasn't a isolated 'experience' it was a whole mountain with porn being the peak.

Here's how a 'typical' day that I relapsed existed:

1) I was stressed and I didn't properly express or address the stress.
2) I used other pre porn watching techniques (view these as warm up) such as junk food, mindless internet browsing and movies. These I eventually got bored of which lead to
3) Porn
4) Self beating up
5) Start or plant seeds for cycle to resume.

I made the mistake that porn = bad, and since I masturbated obviously masturbation was also bad. That is I was using the logical connection A-> B and B->C and therefore obviously A->C. Where A is masturbation and B is porn and C is bad. However once B is removed I'm faced with a invalid statement A->C. This means that I made a mistake.

So back to the main thing, what you miss out with porn is actually understanding what you're interested in and how you feel about it. Don't expect it to come out right away, it's something that takes time to figure out. For me I thought I was into petplay, orgasm control and alot of other things that were very physical and played out very well via a video platform. So naturally I thought I was a dom and that it was going to be very expensive because 'look at all the toys you need'. However this was what I learned from porn.

Here's what you actually miss out that no one tells you about:

1) Anticipation, aftercare and that things that don't play out well via video can sometimes be the most interesting or sensual things you can imagine.
2) Porn is teaching you nuclear titan 2 missile guidance control whereas sex is like playing soccer.
3) Did I tell you that porn means you miss out on actually building a meaningful connection.

Here's a pro and con and building a real relationship

1) You have someone that you can talk about your day
2) You can support someone
3) You can be cared for
4) You can care for someone else
5) You can have cuddling
6) You can have sex (or bdsm (I'm probably using that wrong, I'm still learning)) if
7) Both of you are in the mood
8) Other condition
9) Other condition 2

The only 'con' about building a real relationship is that you'll have disagrements.

Sure they can manifest in many ways via arguing, fights or other ways.

Now back to my evolution. So a few months ago I took a kink test on (highly suggest you look at it as well) and I got dominant, submissive and switch pretty near the top. In other words pretty close to what I would 'expect' myself. I took it again today after a few months of self exploration, learning and it's alot more closer to what feels right but at the same time I'm still feeling part of me fighting back because it's not 'normal', 'expected' or 'manly'.

So sorry let's take another two detours so you can understand it better.

1) I'm pan sexual which means that I'm interested in you and I can work with whatever you have or don't :P
Even though I knew this from a month or two backs, it still was a struggle because of self hatred I didn't realize I had. I learned early on that "women's body was more appealing than mens (when naked)", so I began to look at a my body critically because obviously isn't as good as a womens'. I also internalized that since I don't want to have sex with a man because that means that I'm somehow a 'horrible and ugly person'. Therefor I can't be gay since I don't want to be 'horrible and ugly person'. Being young (think primary school) the only thing I knew about gay people that gay men had anal sex. Therefore my simple mind saw the solution to be never interested in butt stuff on my own body means that I can't be gay. I mean obviously you can beat that you can beat that our of yourself right?

2) Since society views me as a man (even though I don't view myself as a man),that I must be 'strong', 'assertive' and alot of other bullshit. Therefore I'm not allowed to be submissive because that means that I'm weak and horrible and a failure.

So the newer (and in my opinion) more accurate self reflection is that I'm a:
100% a switch
94% a brat
93% primal (prey)
91% rope bunny
90% primal (hunter)

After thinking about it and alot more self reflection I realized it makes sense. I'm so used to being in control in every other area to such a high point and voluntarily giving up control is a form of control. I prefer having the control wrestled away from me which makes sense as a brat, it's a way to give up control and not be in control while doing it because of the back and forth along with a high degree of uncertainty.

Now that I'm aware of it, it feels right but at the same time it's gonna be a struggle for the short term as I accept this fully because it's not what a sexist part of me expected.

Now back to what I was talking about with what you miss out on in porn that you don't when you do swap porn out for a real person or persons (hey I don't judge):

1) You really learn about yourself (you might find surprising things like I did)
2) You get to really understand and appreciate the other persons body and realize that there is alot more than just the persons genitals and nipples (search for Extragenital matrix)
3) You realize how much touch really matters and discover your own extragenital matrix (if you're willing)
4) Something I'm completely not aware of here


8 week countdown started today!!!!


Doing nothing is really nice. I've been busy between stressing and my own evolution, so having time and doing nothing is really really nice.

Tired or 62 days till Fenir or Day 2/?? for Spaceshit me or 129/365


That's alright for me and for you as well.


I begin planning week 8 tomorrow!!!

Day 12 of HybridLove

Today I dedicated to Standard Notes as a gift. Today was basic search issue regarding case and accent insensitivity.

Pleasure activsm or 63 days till Fenir or Day 1/?? for Spaceship me or 128/365

Pleasure Activism

First off consider reading Pleasure Activism by Adrienne Maree Brown, you can see my short response by going to and going to 'Pleasure Activism'.

At it's core it's reclaiming ourselves fully and know that we can be happy without other's permission. Not just sexually but in so many different shades of happiness. There are arguments that we're loving as a service and not out of real love. That many of us have forgotten to love others and worse, forgotten to love ourselves. This is just a tiny bit of what awaits in the 441 page book.

You deserve to be happy, you deserve to desire your body just as much as you desire other's body.

Can you look in the mirror when you're naked and really love you unconditionally or is there a part that says "You're ugly" or "That part is ugly". Learn to love yourself and you're a lot further along than you would imagine. You can start by just taking pictures of clothed body parts - you don't have to share them with anyone - and study and appreciate and eventually love.

It's something that I'm getting better at, there are times when I look in the mirror and I feel flashes of desire for myself. I want and am working on making those longer and more frequent. I want to be able to look at myself just like I look at my friends and desire myself just as much as I desire spending time with my friends.


Nothing to report, amping up to begin production of moving starting this Saturday and doing week 8 stuff which is pretty basic prepping w/ a binder, inventory and first round of extraneous object ejection protocol (eoep) [fine read donating].

Spaceship me

I'm tired but I've managed to get my finacies that I've fallen behind by almost a month fixed and caught back up. Took 2 and a half hour to figure it out, spread across today, yesterday and the day before. Which is way more than if I just did it once per week like I normally do.

If something that you'll looking for when you exit this pandemic is better money management, something that I've worked with since grade 10 or earlier, I would suggest Unlike Skrooge, KMoney, GNUCash and the countless of other financial planning systems I've used, it gives each dollar a job which makes a massive difference in how you view money. I don't see that I have X dollars in my account, I see that I have money up till month X covered. It's a beautiful way of thinking and one that I'm likely to never back from.

Day 11 of HybridLove

I've continued studying Standardnotes snjs code and begun refactoring how my code is directly architecture.

I'm using what I call 'Cellular Architecture'.

There is one or more 'primary systems' where most state and end/start results occur.
There are a one or more 'services' which act as an interface between a 'primary systems' and a 'secondary system'.
Finally there are one or more 'secondary systems' which provide some manipulation or whatever that is translated via services into something the primary systems understand.

The best and biggest mindset hurtle is thinking in terms of cell signalling instead of direct 'X, Y, Z steps'.

The way that this can exist is using an implementation of a very simple idea called 'inter process communication'. This allows the cell components to send their messages and one or more other cell components to pick up that message and do whatever should be done.

Some of the 'secondary systems' can be swapped out with other 'primary systems' allowing the application to become a large amount of cells that both boast inter and intra cellular communication.

Response to Memory Reponsitory Helping yourself too far into the future

I've done this, the biggest thing that I've figured out for myself is whatever I imagine what is good now or right is likely to change in ways that I didn't expect. That means it doesn't make sense to help myself 10 or 20 years in the future. Furthermore, I'm living in the present and this is really the only time that exists. I can and try to setup some protections to my future selves but the best gift I can give the future self is a good present self that's well rested, stable and ready to do whatever needs to be done.

Now why am I saying future selves? Because maybe something that would hurt myself in 2 years, would benefit myself in 10 years and that benefit would hurt myself in 13 years...
For example the terrible pain that I endure sometimes have given me the ability to show my empathy and pay attention to how I connect and making sure that I connect in a safe and secure way. This isn't bad or good, it's just part of who I am. I've been harmed by this gift, I've had benefits from this gift. It's all relative to my point in time from the event and a whole host of other events interactions.

Furthermore, assuming that there is a linear progression into my future self is flawed. I took a hard veer when I embraced certain parts of me, listened to or decided not to listen to certain people. Each one moves me around in my possible futures, which in turn are intertwined with many other futures, all shifting and shifting.

I can predict maybe what my future self will want but I would be a fool if I presumed that I knew what was best. All I know that is the best is what's happening right now and in the near future.

So consider caring for your future by making sure you're well rested, stable and ready to do whatever needs to be done.

Stable means not just mentally, but physically, housing wise, energy, emotionally, financially, socially. Just like with money, what we can improve on or change is all limited: spending x amount of time improving yourself emotionally means you don't have that same amount of time to spend on improving yourself housing wise or financially. However each has a ripple effect into other areas, like an ever shifting grass of a meadow deep within a forest.

63 days till Fenir or Day 0/?? for Spaceship me or 127/365


Nothing happened.

Spaceship me

Currently not sure how long it's going to last. However I'm here and I'm going to care for myself and I'm going to prepare two care packages for my friends here.